I’ve concluded without deep thinking or any
intelligence applied, that my electronic
world doesn’t differ very much from my
real world. Better said, it occurred to me that
they are parallel worlds subject to the same
dysfunction of mine at any time. They are
not exempt from my stupid choices or those
choices that result from my dysfunction.
Having said that, my healthy choices can
also happen in either world. So we can both
keep our sanity as I write this and you read it,
I’m not going to discuss my fantasy worlds
here. That content would be better suited in
a secret poems collection (toying with the
idea). Recently I told you I went back to
Windows for whatever reason. I am happily
typing to you from openSUSE in Firefox
today because I figured it out. My long love
affair with Microsoft is rooted in my gray
side, not to be confused with my dark or
secret side. Gray is that place where my
dysfunction bleeds into my light, healthy,
and joyful side. My world of light still has
some gray, some dark, some of this, and
some of that because I’m not perfect, but
healing. I’m far less dysfunctional today
than I was years ago—one year ago or forty
years ago, etc. After I loaded Windows this
time, I detected a false sense of hope. There
was no going back. (Not enough space here
to try and explain it; but I knew a bunch of
old stuff was feeding this simple choice of
OS. It wasn’t based on anything healthy.)
The simple fact is that I can choose Linux
as my OS without the dysfunctional strings.
Dysfunction tries to destroy anything good.
Somehow, I led myself to believe that I had
to keep up a level of electronic chaos in my
life. Not so. The dysfunctional reason why
I was flipping back and forth from OS to OS
was based on old fears. When I walked into my
office at home, sat at my red desk, and turned
on my laptop, I was flying through a self-made
black-hole. I was living my version of Jumanji!
Okay, I’m not really nuts, just working through
my life, through the residual effects of abuse.
Dysfunction becomes part of survival; like
making believe dark is light and evil is good.
I’m doing better. EMDR has been and remains
a life saver for me! I’m happier and I make
better choices. But dysfunction is something
I always have to deal with, something I always
have to choose not to do so I don’t screw up my
life. Better choices bring better consequences.
Am I getting unclear or bogged down here?
Let me give you my short list of dysfunction
defined based on my own life experience
as a result of childhood sexual abuse and
lifelong abuse in many forms:
dysfunction chooses dysfunction
dysfunction loves dysfunction
dysfunction attracts dysfunction
dysfunction produces dysfunction
dysfunction believes dysfunction
dysfunction doesn’t believe dysfunction
dysfunction destroys dysfunction
dysfunction can never be satiated
dysfunction lies (to you and everyone you
come into contact with)
dysfunction kills (you and everyone you
come into contact with)
I’ve said this before: no one deserves abuse
in any shape or form. It wasn’t my fault.
That is enough on that for today. No use
making us both depressed. Without healing,
without changes, a life of dysfunction (alone
or in dysfunctional relationships or marriage)
would have us believe that the chaos we live
in, the Living Hell on earth we are drowning
in, is “normal” and as good as it gets.
Don’t believe it. Wrong! Lies!
The Lord Jesus promised us an abundant and
joyful life. Dysfunction doesn’t believe that.
An unhealthy life, e.g., one filled with abuse
and dysfunction, isn’t able to receive anything
good. If you’ve been abused, then you don’t
trust God or anyone; you don’t believe God or
anyone. You may say you do. But you don’t.
(Dysfunction lies, remember?)
Well, I don’t call these poems “Odds and Ends”
for nothing! How did I get here today? How do
I bring this to a close? I’m reminded that God
loved us before we loved Him. So, it makes
no sense to believe I have to wait until I’m
“perfect,” totally healed, or completely
without dysfunction to make good choices.
I was so excited about walking the other
day. I was planning on walking today, but I’m
in too much pain. Unable to do it. That is a
result of circumstances not dysfunction. So, a
downward spiral is not my choice. I resist the
dysfunction baiting me; I choose to continue
in my peace and joy for today. Life is good. I
think I’ll go check the mail, then finish
watching the movie I started the other day.
And have a lovely peaceful hot cup of tea.