This Time


this time

the never
ending pain is
so bad that life

becomes a
very bad movie
starring me but I

can’t walk out
because I want
to know what

happens and
how it ends
whereas hope

looks forward
and up not back
and down

faith looks
past the pain
when I’m not able

hoping that the
movie will get better
or at least end well

this time

Light and Shadows


It is the time of day when the sun plays
its game of light and shadows.

Wind is only visible high on the palms.
I remain unseen as a few dog walkers
stroll past as I take an early dinner

and linger over hot tea. Reading about
Bonhoeffer is more profound than
anything I can see from my window or

read in the news. What he missed in the
Barcelona of 1928, I miss here and now,
but I have to let that go.

For it was in 1924 on Palm Sunday as he
sat in church in Rome that a question
formed in the back of his mind.

If he only knew that I have asked the
very same question for at least a decade
on my journey that remains unclear.

“What is the Church?”

Bonhoeffer’s voice still speaks. Oh that
he could have been my dinner companion
then as now!

It is the time of day when the sun plays
its game of light and shadows.

 

Time and Touch


Hot tea soothed my soul
as I pondered the extent
to which we love one
another.

As I thought of our love I
became aware of why it is
so hard to understand the
magnitude of it.

It is because our love for
one another is not bound
by the limits of time and
touch or soul and space.

Between Shows


The other night,
I had just finished
watching something
or other and found

myself between shows.
The words floated then
formed in my mind—my
life is between shows.

No way I want to go
back; no idea what is
ahead. I can’t count
the times I was dead

certain about what
was next, what was
coming, or about love.
Wrong every time.

Hope was a train wreck
looking back. Decades
of deserted track. But
the train never stops;

I never arrive. Don’t
you see? The train
never stops; I never
get on. My life is

suspended

between shows.

But Not Hope


It didn’t bother me that after my return
to hiking I was being passed by men,
women, children, beasts, and insects.

I hadn’t hiked this mountain trail since
summer last year. After I returned there
a few days in a row, it was clear my brain

got ahead of my body. I should have
listened to my body. I’m not really
disappointed. I’m exhausted. Over did it.

Things change.

Age has a way of doing that. Some changes
are harder than others but change we will.
How we respond to or handle the changes

are the real tests! Chronic illness has my
attention which is truly annoying and
has contributed to a great amount of loss.

What happens when you pray for healing
and healing doesn’t come? When you believe
God heals and it still doesn’t come?

Things change. Some things don’t change.

This doesn’t change who God is, what he
has done, the things he can do, or has
promised to do.

God doesn’t change.

To try to stay in faith when my body is
screaming, “Don’t believe, God isn’t true” is
my measured response to these things that

I can’t change but must accept and deal with
the best I can each day. I settled for an easier
walk around my neighborhood yesterday.

Things change.

Today much too much pain to walk either.
I would have preferred to write a romantic
haiku and not address the challenges of pain

and faith at all. What kind of writer would I
be if I only shared my heart on the good days?
You deserve the truth in any case.

Reality has no substitutes.

It is when we are at our worst that faith gives
us the best. God’s grace and blessings still
abound. Maybe not in ways I prayed for.

Things change. But not truth. But not hope.

Steamed Rice and You


The week is coming to an end
so on the way back home I
decided I deserved a treat.

I was eager to get back home
so Chinese take-out was my
solution since I ate at home

all week. Steamed rice, chicken
with mushrooms and beef with
broccoli which punches my

beef once a week card. Steamed
rice became steamier and oh so
sensuous as I realized how much

I miss rice and you. Need I say
you more than rice? You more
than anything; which fantasy or

rice can’t satisfy. I’m hoping to
have steamed rice and you
more often.

Nutella and You


Maybe it was because
I had my first acupuncture
in my life yesterday.

Or maybe it was because
I was in a hurry before my
eleven o’clock.

I was a little sore, but not
as overall achy to the point
of distraction because I

hadn’t experienced this little
pain in years. As soon as my
eyes opened, I was thinking

of you this morning. I started
coffee. Didn’t know what I
wanted for breakfast.

I was thinking of you, not
breakfast. So, I threw two
pieces of bread in the toaster.

Totally out of my normal
breakfast routine, I grabbed
an ultrathin slice of sharp

cheddar; didn’t feel like
slicing anything. Washed
a frying pan. Coffee signaled.

Toast popped up. I usually
know what I want for breakfast
before I start and zip through

it in control. Today, no control.
Feelings. I’ve snapped. You are
totally with me as I tried to

make breakfast. Toast was a
mechanical response to my
my mind, heart, and soul being

off the planet and this odd crazy
sensation of not being in as
much pain. Still in pain, but

energy that is new. So, at first I
thought I wanted peanut butter.
but as I opened the pantry door,

I didn’t feel like peanut butter.
It seemed like the toast was
staring at me wondering what

was taking me so long. So, I
grabbed the Nutella which I
hadn’t had since my last oatmeal.

Some black coffee and my usual
seat at the kitchen table. Took a
sip and a bite. It seemed like the

sweetness of the Nutella combined
with you. It was just Nutella and
you. My deep thoughts of you

exceeded the small pleasure of
Nutella on toast. A surprise good
morning text exchange brought

Nutella and you to a new level!
We didn’t expect to connect today
as it was your hair-on-fire, out-the-

door day. But we did. We had a short
impromptu call. Who would believe
me if I told them I had a touch of true

love on toast with just Nutella and you?