when I was young I
thought this year to come wouldn’t
come it still may not
when I was young I
when I was young I
thought this year to come wouldn’t
come it still may not
Quiet, reflective day after my third session
of EMDR yesterday. I’m exhausted really.
Feel like I went through World War II in a
single day. It seems my brain was on a
mission to seek out what I didn’t know
about the details of my abuse. How did I
live through that? Why am I still alive?
By God’s grace alone. His love prevailed
when there was none, when I lived daily
in the pit of Hell. Okay, enough of that.
Better I should talk about coffee. At my
advanced age to learn who did what is
not fun. But necessary if healing is to
follow. Being Friday, the day started off
with Gevalia, my Wally coffee. Stronger
than our usual, but wonderfully mild in
its own way. She drank one cup; I drank
two. She talked; I listened. (Good choice.)
There were things heavy on her heart as
we sipped and munched. She her toast;
me my matzo. EMDR is a workout for the
brain. So exhaustion is expected. More
so than I thought. I sat studying and staring
at my laptop until noon. How perverted, how
sick is sexual abuse! But politicians don’t
change. Arrogance prevails. Promises of
change come and go. But only the power
of God can change or heal the human heart,
restore to health, joy, and peace. No guru or
self-help book in the world can fix a thing.
Man-made band-aids don’t last.
Dinner last night and lunch today for me
was bologna. A comfort food for me. Spicy
mustard, provolone, and a kosher dill pickle
spear on the side. Oh yes, and a very strong
cup of tea today. I need all the help I can get
today. Man will never stop trying to do what
only God can do. Man will never stop trying
to stop God from what only God can do.
Good luck. God wins. I read the end of the
Book. When she gets home it will be our
favorite Friday dinner. Pizza and my salad.
Looking at the clock, I can fit an espresso in.
(I missed my window two days in a row.
Hellish week. I deserve an espresso!)
It is hard to end a post when you didn’t
know where you were at the start. Some
days are like that; you have hope, feel God’s
unceasing love in the midst of horrific pain.
It is okay. That is why God gave espresso.
And a cookie. And blessings when I least
expected it. God’s love for me cuts the hell
out of Hell. Time for coffee. And a cookie.
I hated it when my mother dressed my
brother and I in matching outfits. In this
case matching solid red sports jackets
and ties. It was the 1950’s and we were
driving into NYC for something special.
I was going to get to meet one of my
heroes. Yogi Berra. I’m completely left
handed. My other arm just grew; can’t
do much. So, my hopes of becoming
a catcher on the NY Yankees was
dashed at an early age. It was the Eddie
Fisher 15 minute Coke time show (or
something like that). I remember being
approached by a beautiful young
woman as we entered the audience
seating area. She stood in front of me,
kissed me on the cheek and told my
parents how adorable we were!
Did Eddie sing “Oh My Papa?” I can’t
remember. I was looking for Yogi.
We took our seats.
(Lights, camera, action!)
I remembered Yogi more than I did
Debbie. After I shook hands with Yogi
I didn’t wash my hands for two weeks!
After Debbie Reynolds kissed me on
the cheek, I wiped it off right away like
any other eight year old would do.
I remember you and your kiss today,
Debbie. Nothing can wipe that kiss
or memory of you away.
(Applause, lights down. Fade. Tears.)
God bless. And thank you, Debbie.
Linux was like a light flickering in a dark room.
You know it is going to go out; it is just a matter
of when. I wasn’t going to wait. As soon as I
got our daily brew going, I moved my old HP to
the top of the file cabinet. That is as far as my
cord will reach from the Wi-Fi extender in the
hallway. My plan to completely move over to
the dark side was about to begin. I was back
in Windows 10 Pro before I finished my second
cup of coffee. Bagel again. Then a concentrated
admin attack on all things not Microsoft. I was
serious this time. No going back, because I
changed my pertinent email to Hotmail. Nothing
Google on my PC. So serious in fact, when she
asked me if I was going to have lunch and I said
it was too early for me, I didn’t notice that my PC
clock was set for some bogus time zone and
was off. My fingers were flying on the keyboard.
I didn’t eat lunch until two. I hadn’t written a thing
all day. I managed to do admin all day. Now, I’m
suffering from an overload of PC admin that has
turned into regret. I can’t go back! Not again.
Lunch wasn’t my usual. I was off. Lunch was off.
I had Ramen soup, just the noodles and broth.
And a peanut butter and jelly on wheat with two
thin slices of Pepper Jack cheese. (Darn, it just
hit me. I missed my espresso window again. It
is closing in on dinner.) We’re both tired today.
More than usual. She woke up every half hour
with nightmares about Department Q. Except
it was her Ex that put a needle in her neck.
You got it. She woke up; so, I woke up. Rough
night. I feel like a brick today going through
the motions of living. What did I do? You see
if you change your email, you are stuck, unless
you want to change them all back. I already
pushed my luck getting on to the Social Security
site without problems once today. Not going
there again. I changed Army email, Netflix, bank;
you name it, I changed it. (And WordPress.)
Dark outside. A little sky still showing behind the
shadow of a house across the street. My signal
to end this for today. (I just happened to move
my hand off of the keyboard to the far left. PC
is running hot.) I still have my five Windows 7
backup disks I made when I bought this HP.
No. Not another computer thought for today.
Well, I succeeded in filling my day with garbage,
instead of my head. No room for troubled thoughts
today. I tried to ignore the pain. (I wanted to get a
manicure, but I cut my nails so I could type faster.)
Admin typing; no writing except what you are reading.
Like in the book of Ruth, God wasn’t visible or vocal,
but silently working in the background while I was
exhibiting computer paranoia.
He is still going to heal me. He works when you don’t.
Not to worry. God is faithful even when my mind is
Sidetracked most of the day. I forced myself
to study and read this morning because my
vision was blurred. Eye blur and brain blur.
It started off okay. Bagel with a fresh chive
and onion cream cheese. Not whipped, so
a smaller “shmear.”
As I sit here looking at the clock, I realize
that I missed my espresso window. Run
the risk of going from little sleep to no sleep.
Got to get the trash cans in. I can tell they
picked up because one can is eight feet
away from the other. (Be right back.)
Plagued by sensual thoughts all afternoon;
not good ones. Just the ones that line up my
childhood abuse with my life experience.
You see, EMDR and the brain continue to
work, continue to process when you least
expect it. Like I want to write but my brain
is frozen on a nipple in time that tie adult me
and little boy me together. Every relationship
I’ve ever had goes by in review while the
little boy and I just stare at each other. It has
been a day of severe muscle ache. Maybe
it is the weather. Maybe the fog in my head
will move on so my eyes and head will
clear. I know, I know, I tagged this coffee.
Better I should talk about coffee. Coffee is
rated PG13; not raw me today. Listen, I’m
being healed no matter what you think when
you read this mess.
(I’ve said nothing and the word count hit
two-hundred and fifty. Where is this going?)
Hot tea at lunch did it. It wasn’t the coffee.
The coffee was rich, inviting, milky and
sweet. (Like my thoughts.) Not so the tea.
Tea sent me straight to the bathroom.
My thought life went downhill. Then again,
it probably was the sandwich; not the tea
at all. (Getting dark out. Just heard the
front screen door close. Think she is
checking the mail.)
I’m going to be healed. Feeling will feel.
I’m going to be restored. I will feel.
Sweetly touch and be touched.
There will be life before coffee, after coffee,
with coffee, without coffee. All good with
or without the pain. “And you say?”
It is the day after Christmas and the hardware
store was packed, much to my surprise. I had
to replace that toilet handle.
Top was off. Water off a quarter turn. Flush.
Unhook the two chains. Put in new handle rod.
Take out and bend to fit. Back in and tighten.
Attach chains. Water on. Test flush. Oops, tank
refill not triggered. Hook chains in different holes
to adjust pull. Tank refills. Another miracle for
the record books. A ten minute repair instead of
hours. (The kitchen sink faucet is starting to
fail; that will be next. What are the chances of
me being in another country before it does? Not
good.) I am a Mr. Fix-it out of necessity, certainly
not by design. The older I get, the less fixing I
want to do. (But we do.) We had our standard
weekday breakfast and breakfast brew today.
She gave me a sweet three ounce espresso
cup. It is a great red. It will get its first use in a
matter of moments. As will the coffee press
that came with it. I’ve wanted a small press
forever. I can’t wait. (Do I need a coffee!) I’m
back; I didn’t wait. For my first use, I tried four
ounces of water to a good scoop of fresh
coarse ground espresso. Four minute brew,
with some absorption gave me a full 3 oz.
cup. Just what I needed. Lovely indeed.
(I should have had a double. Next time.)
Now I’m thinking dinner. I’ll probably use the
Brussels sprouts I had planned to us this
weekend but didn’t. (I still need a manicure.)
Which reminds me. A while back I was
pulling out of a shopping area near us when I
noticed a new sign, “Polish Room.” I thought
that was odd but how quaint. I didn’t think we
had a large enough Polish population to
support a local Polish club. When I got home
I told her that the old nail spa is gone, it is
now the Polish Room. She laughed at me
and snorted, “No, silly, Polish Room, not
Polish Room. New owners.” Perception is not
everything; it is something. And often wrong.
I thought for sure it was a club of some sort.
If perception is something; truth is everything.
Christmas ended yesterday for some. For
others it continues. And continues. Truth.
We’re between movies. She is taking
a bath with her special Christmas mango
bubble bath. We just finished watching
one of our favorites: “White Christmas.”
A 1954 extravaganza, a feast for the
heart. Mine for sure. I’ve seen it a
million times and I still tear up at the
same predictable places for me. What
something or someone touched your
heart today? Does “Jesus” move me
more than Crosby and Clooney? Not all
the time; I’m quick to get choked up and
visibly emotional (holding it back, trying
to hide it) several times watching the
movie. But when I think of the birth
of Jesus (And His death on the Cross;
and Easter, that I cannot separate from
Christmas.) my show of emotion falls
short or falls away to nothing. Life gets
in the way. Pain gets in the way. I get
in my own way. I’ll get to see Him some
day. When I do, I’m afraid I’ll blubber
far more than when I see “White
Christmas,” that it will uncontrollable
tears not just of joy, but of the pain of
this life that got in the way of loving
more than I am able.
Sometimes it takes a movie. Sometimes
it takes the truth that Jesus is the Son
of God and the King of Kings to bring
us to tears. Real tears. Tears of joy are
harder for some than all the other tears.
Today I’m thankful for any tears at all.
Christmas is a day of joy and of tears.
We are all born to die; but only One was
born to die for us all.
Merry Christmas for real.